Bay Watch, it ain't. When you emerge into the moist and chlorine-steeped Kalev Water Park, you'd better be dressed appropriately. 'Appropriately' means that if you are male, everyone, but most importantly, the 'lifeguards,' should be able to see, in vivid spandex relief, the outline and heft of your 'buoys' if you catch my drift. It means that your reproductive ensemble may not in any way be obscured by such garments as swim 'trunks' or bathing briefs.
For about the dozenth time, my husband was apprehended by one of the 'lifeguards' as we attempted to enjoy a Saturday afternoon in the Kalev Water Park. A walkie-talkie wielding teen approached and informed him that his swim shorts were forbidden - that the only kind of swim wear allowed in the park is the tiny, tight, ball-buster model we refer to generically as 'Speedos.'
Usually he just tells them to fuck-off and walks away. At which point they immediately get on the Walkie-Talkie and call for backup. "Rampart, we've got a male, approximately 35 years of age, not showing any visible sign of a penis or balls, come in Rampart!" This time however, we were dealing with a rather tenacious member of their life-saving squad; one who takes very seriously his duty to ensure there are no masculine bits dangling freely behind the ambiguous cover of swim trunks.He kept coming back. My husband kept telling him we weren't leaving, 'go away.'
You see, we have not yet been able to determine the reason for this regulation - the simplest might be that management erroneously believes they are operating some sort of elite club in which they can demand their clientele maintain a certain standard of etiquette and hygiene. Well, firstly, this would not be the Speedo, as, even worn by the most physically fit, it is more suggestive and somehow offensive than wearing nothing at all. Second, they cannot seriously think they are that sort of establishment.*
Given the physical stature of 90% of the clientele at Kalev, I'd say the rule should be 'cover it up as best as you can, and we'll pretend we don't notice the rest.' Alas, for reasons we cannot fathom, management and their staff of chlorine addled pubescents persist in upholding this crazy statute, and furthermore, rely on their lifeguards to enforce it.
As children race around on the slippery wet limestone and teenagers push each other into the lap pools, we watched as a bus load of swim-shorts-clad boys and men were ambushed by one of the guards. Eventually, they all had to pull their shorts down so that the life guard could see the goods that these neanderthals refused to display in the proper manner. Assured that indeed they were in fact packing, the lifeguard made a valiant attempt to sell them all Speedos. It just so happens that they are available at the front desk.
Coincidentally, Speedo is a sponsor of Kalev Water Park.
The group of shorts wearing heathens turned down the offer of the Speedos and were eventually released to frolic in the aqua garden, though they were noticeably subdued, and did their best to keep the offending shorts submerged.
My husband, not so lucky. He was eventually presented to the manager, a female of about 22 years, who attempted to explain that the shorts, what with their pockets and folds, could be concealing undesirable remnants from, say, a day at the beach.
"What," says my husband, "Like a fish? You think maybe I've got a fish in my pocket?" "Listen," he explains, "Speedos are for professional swimmers, homosexuals or Germans. Leave me alone." I'd wanted him to ask why all of the male lifeguards were wearing knee-length Umbro shorts and t-shirts. Not swim-shorts, but regular shorts that don't at all seem conducive to rapid water rescue, should the need arise. More importantly, what does Speedo have to say about this flagrant brand two-timing and what about all the crap in their pockets? Cell phones, Mp3 players, condoms and breath mints?
We suspect there is something fishy going on here, and it's got nothing to do with the ones being brought in by the ball-swinging fish smugglers wearing roomy and comfortable swim trunks. It sucks that Kalev is the only game in town when it comes to kiddie pool fun, otherwise I'd never set foot in the place again.
* (In fact, in a rather more downscaling maneuver they have added Tip Jars at the check-in counter. I guess I am rather grateful after clearing this gauntlet of surly, inefficient and unhelpful halfwitts that hand out the blue plastic bracelets . . I have always wondered how I could show my relief and now I know. )
If we were to leave a tip in the tip jar at the front desk, it would probably be something like: Hey you bozos, why don't you inspect the swim wear right here, and turn them away at the outset if their swim wear is unacceptable. Before accepting payment, before people change and get wet. Why not do this instead of dispatching every single one of your lifeguards to Speedo duty once the hapless guests get inside?
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